We’re Still Here

It’s been awhile.  Life continues to be busy, and blogging hasn’t been much of a priority for me.  Which has been compounded by the recent world/local events that I just have not been able to fully process and am presently incapable of articulating my thoughts on them.  But we are still here and I continue to be so thankful for the beautiful babies that I get to call mine.

J turned three last month.  THREE!!  How did that happen?  This little girl who made me a mom, who shattered my perception of who I am and who continues to show me who I can be.  This precious three-year-old who fills my heart to overflowing.  Whose attention to detail and elephant-esque memory never cease to amaze me.  Three.

H turned one a few months ago.  I don’t know how that happened, either.  Wasn’t I just a gargantuan pregnant lady?  This year has been so fast, and yet, I cannot remember life before him.  This guy just lights up our world.  He is fun and funny, fast, happy, cuddly, adventurous, and very much boy.

Musings on Motherhood

Motherhood is hard.  Really, really hard.  Really sanctifying, stretching, and sacrificial.  (I totally did not plan on 3 “S’s”, must be my SBC upbringing. Ha!)

Ever since I was a child myself, I looked forward to the day when I would have my own children to nurture.  Or, more probably, boss around, because as the oldest child, that’s what I really loved doing.  But as I grew older, I really did desire to nurture and love my own children.  I prayed for them and (not so patiently) waited for them.  I read, and continue to read, books on pregnancy, birth, and how to be a good parent.  I thought that I was pretty prepared.  But I was so wrong.  Nothing, nothing can prepare you for the emotional highs and lows of parenting except for actually parenting.  I’ve realized that my view of motherhood was intensely romanticized and did not account for bone weary exhaustion, or just the desire to have five  minutes all to myself.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am 100% in love with my children and they are my greatest joys.  I am not complaining about these precious babies that I still can’t believe are mine.  I am simply saying that I had no clue what I was in for.  I had no clue how much I would love these little darlings.  I had no clue how full my heart would be.  I had no clue how terrified I would become of losing them, or hurting them, or messing up.

I had no clue how difficult it is to teach and model for a child a life lesson or truth that I haven’t mastered yet.  And I’ll give you an example.  Last night, Andrew and I got about 3 hours of sleep, or at least, that’s how it feels.  We’ve had a week of really awful nights that have made me consider reconsidering my views on sleep training, and we are just so tired.  But I have been trying to teach Jane that being tired is not an excuse for being mean to others, and in order to really teach it, I must live it as well.  So today, though it’s not over, I’ve had to choose not to allow things to get under my skin.  Fortunately, in His infinite mercy and grace, God saw fit to give us beautiful weather today, and a good chunk of time outside this morning has improved the spirits of all in our house.  I am not good at being kind when I’m tired.  Not at all, so a moment like I had this morning is a real victory for me as I try to teach my children how to love others.  But here’s the thing, they can’t even appreciate that I’m doing it!  And I know this is just one instance, a small one, but I also know that there will be many more like it, and many more surrounding a host of issues that I haven’t mastered.

My children are incredible.  Simply because they are children, and without doing anything but being children, they have started to peel  away sin and selfishness from my heart.  They are the mirror in which I can see just how unloving, cynical, proud, and stubborn I am.  They have forced me to face parts of myself that I cannot stand.  They have forced me to mature.  They have forced me to become a better person.  And for that, and so many, many more things, I thank God for these darlings.   And I beg that He would give us the courage and the grace to parent our children well.

Lately

Lately, our family of four has been continuing to evolve our normal.  Our kids are growing and changing daily, simultaneously exhausting and frustrating while filling our hearts and giving us such delight that I sometimes think I will burst.  As I wrestle one child or another to bed (usually H), I often wish that he would just go to sleep!  But as soon as his precious blue eyes close and his little body is limp in my arms, I wonder how I could ever be frustrated with this darling boy.

These children and my husband are such treasures.  In a world that is as scary as ours, I constantly hear or meet people whose spouse or children are either taken from them or are profoundly hurting, and it terrifies me.  I have never known such intense anxiety as I have known since becoming a parent.  That saying about having children is like having your heart walk around outside of your body is absolutely true.  It is a constant struggle to remember that my family really belongs to the Lord, and all that I can do is love them well and leave the rest up to Him.  Much, much easier said than done.

The kids love each other so much, most of the time.  They each light up when they see the other, and now that H is full on crawling and can cruise around furniture, he is forever trying to play with anything J has, and vice versa.  It’s so precious to watch them together and I really hope they will be friends growing up, but I know that conflict will be aplenty, especially once H is able to retaliate when his sister does something not his liking.

I cannot figure out why this picture won’t turn.

Life is not always rosy in our house; I am often frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed, and tired.  When the house is a mess and the kids are screaming and I just want some alone time, I am still so thankful for this beautiful life (and for a husband who will give me a reprieve and let me catch my breath before I go nuts!!).

Month {One}

Oh, precious Hudson, how are you already one month old?  You are such a bundle of sweetness and I cannot get my fill!  You are really laid back (except for when you have gas or a burp or are cold), and you sleep so much that I often wonder if this is normal.  You have a tongue and posterior lip tie that causes you to gag and choke while nursing, which in turn leads to some really terrible gas pain.  I feel so badly for you and look forward to our appointment to have the ties revised; I’m really hopeful that it will make a difference in your overall comfort.  You also really enjoy your pacifier, which caught me off guard and I actually had to ask Nana to run to the store to buy some extras for you.

Your big sister loves you so much and gets really upset when someone other than me is holding you.  She is mostly okay with Daddy holding you, but she will often still point at you and then say “Mommy baby”.  I guess all of our talk about the baby inside of Mommy’s tummy has helped her develop a strong belief that you belong only to me.  She loves to talk to you and frequently tells you to wake up; she also loves playing on the activity mat with you.  I hope that you two will develop a close friendship at an early age and be good friends your whole lives.

You are such a treasure, Son, and I love you so much!

Height: 22 inches (~75%)

Weight: 10 pounds, 12 ounces (~90%-ile)

Diaper size: 1

Clothing size: 0-3 months, no more newborn clothes!

Shoe size: 1, though you have yet to wear a pair

Sleep: You usually wake in the morning around 7:30, eat, and then nap again around 9.  From that point, you sleep for a few hours, wake up to nurse, and then go right back to sleep until early evening when you will have another 90ish minute alert period.  Bedtime is anywhere between 7:30 and 11, depending on the day.  After going down for the night, you wake up between 1 and 1:30 AM, 3-4 AM and then it’s restless sleep until waking for the day.  I put you in the Rock & Play when I go to bed, but then you sleep with us after you wake up the first time.  Although Jane loved her Summer Swaddle Sacks, you are not a fan, preferring instead to be swaddled in muslin blankets.

Milestones: You rolled over for the first time when you were 12 days old, and now you do it almost every time I place you on your tummy.  You started smiling in your sleep a while ago, but right before you turned a month, you gave me a big alert grin when I took you out of the tub.

Challenges: For me, figuring out how to be a mom of two and give each child adequate attention has been challenging.  I feel so badly that you aren’t held as much as Jane was, but you don’t really seem to mind.  You like to be held when you are awake, but you are just fine in the RNP when you are sleeping.

Post partum: Holy stretch marks!  Holy flabby abs!  I’m beginning to wonder if my hips will ever shrink (and I sure hope they do, otherwise I am going to have to replace half of my wardrobe), and I can’t wait to get the all clear to exercise.  I decided that I’m going to sign up for a sprint triathlon to motivate me to get back into shape and I’ve started doing some really gentle yoga just to get me into the habit of moving around.  I feel like my emotions are much less labile this time around, though getting out of the house with two kids is still something that will stress me to the max.  All in all, though, I’m really enjoying Hudson’s newborn period and I am so thankful for my lovely little family.

Three Weeks In

We are just over three weeks into being a family of four, and I am happy to report that I am not as overwhelmed as I was at this point after Jane was born.  I think this is partially because Hudson is not my first baby and I seriously lowered my expectations of myself this time around.  I have also been much more willing to accept help.  This is not to say that I’m not emotional or overwhelmed, I’m just less so.

I’m terrified to go out with both kids by myself, so I haven’t done that yet, but the day is quickly approaching when I will have to.  And the thing that I struggle with most is how to love my firstborn well.  Her world has been rocked and she has done a phenomenal job of transitioning, but neither she nor I are perfect.  Though my arms are almost never empty, they rarely get to hold her.  And I miss her.  And yet, at the same time, I am impatient with her.  We’re starting to see some behavior issues, and figuring out how to deal with them has been another challenge.  I want to avoid spanking and find a gentle way to chastise her for unacceptable behavior… but an almost two-year-old doesn’t understand time out, nor is a gentle talk explaining my expectations very effective.

Today has been a difficult day.  Andrew has food poisoning and has been down for the count, so I was pretty much on my own until my parents came over this afternoon to drop off a few things.  They ended up taking Jane to the park and helping me prepare dinner, which was incredibly helpful.  But then Hudson had a witching hour until 8 pm and then it was bedtime for Jane as soon as I got him settled.

Normally I rock Jane for a few minutes before putting her in bed, but tonight I just missed her so much and I knew that she needed more of me, so I just held her.  And even when I put her in bed, I laid down with her (which must be a funny picture… her + me in a toddler bed).  As I was holding her I began to cry because I was so overwhelmed by how much I love her and hoping that she doesn’t feel replaced or forgotten.  But then my silent sobs woke her up and concerned her, so I had to stop before she started to cry.

All in all, I think that we are adjusting well.  Every day we get a little bit closer to figuring out normal; and every day I am so thankful for the indescribable blessings of my husband and children.

Welcome to the World

Welcome to the world sweet Hudson!  Born April 29 and 0333 weighing 8 pounds, 7.5 ounces and 22 inches long.  We are totally in love!

It’s Been A While

It’s been quite a while since I’ve updated, mostly because life has just been so busy and I’m trying to really absorb this time with Jane before she becomes a big sister and I am inundated with crazy post partum hormones.

Our precious family (34 weeks)

As far as pregnancy goes, this one has been quite different than Jane’s.  I haven’t had crazy swelling of my legs and I also haven’t wanted to eat anything remotely healthy.  This boy loves sugar!  In the last few weeks I’ve tried to get better about upping my fruit and vegetable intake, but it’s not uncommon to get around to dinner and realize that I’ve had nothing but processed foods all day.  Sorry about that, Bud.  I am a lot more uncomfortable this time around, too.  My belly feels like it’s dragging on the floor by about 2 pm and I just want to lie down and rest.  Fortunately, while Jane naps I am usually able to chill out on the couch for a while.  Baby boy is also a lot more active than his sister was, so I think he’s going to be quite the firecracker!  I’m 37 weeks now, so he could technically come at any time, but our whole household has a cold, so it would definitely be preferable for him to wait until we’re all healthy again.

Jane continues to grow and change daily.  She will sometimes put two words together, but mostly communicates in one word sentences.  Although this morning she did say “Where’s my water?”  She’s also started to say “sorry” and “shoot” a lot.  Both of which are adorable and used correctly.  Except that she always says sorry when she hurts herself.  I guess because I always ask if she’s hurt and then tell her I’m sorry.  We’re in swimming lessons this month which she absolutely loves and I hope she’ll be able to continue once her brother is born.  This kid melts my heart on a daily basis.

She had her first ear infection a few weeks ago which necessitated antibiotics—nine days into treatment and we she started to have an allergic reaction.  Come to find out that Andrew’s sisters are allergic to the same antibiotic, so we definitely won’t be using that one anymore!

Anyway, that’s pretty much what’s going on in our house… just trying to get healthy and prepare for the addition of our sweet baby boy!

Harrison

On Sunday we had to make the very difficult and sudden decision to put our sweet dog to sleep.  He developed kidney failure, and short of sending him to UF for dialysis, there was nothing else that we could do but watch him endure a slow, agonizing death.  So we did what we never thought that we would have to do for our 5.5 year old pup.  Even now it seems surreal.  He filled so much space in our hearts and home and things are just not the same without him.

Jane asks for him several times a day, and I tell her that Harrison doesn’t live with us anymore; he lives in Heaven with Jesus now.  She is asking for him less and less, but still pretty frequently.  Last night we mentioned Jesus’s name and she instantly started saying “doggie”, so I know she is starting to understand at whatever level she can.

Andrew is absolutely devastated.  Harrison is the dog that he always wanted, and it is Andrew who feels the dog’s absence most acutely.

We don’t know what sent him into kidney failure, which, for me, is one of the most difficult things about his death.  We just don’t know what caused it.  That and watching Andrew grieve.  That is truly the most difficult thing, and I just pray that God would give him peace and comfort.

Our sweet puppy shortly after bringing him home.

Our obedient dog.

Squirrel hunter

Harrison was loved by all

Sweet puppy 🙂

Jane and her doggie.

We love you and miss you, sweet Harrison.  You really were the best dog.

28 Weeks and Life in General

All has been quiet on the blogging front for a while, so I decided it was high time for an update!  I’m now 28 weeks with our precious boy, and he still doesn’t have a name.  It was driving me crazy for a while, but now I’m remarkably okay with it.  We also don’t have his nursery set up, but my goal is to get that done in the next three or so weeks.  I know that he will spend most of his time in our room, but I’d still like to have a place that is his.  Every time I go into TJ Maxx the baby section beckons and I pick up an outfit or socks, so his wardrobe is building, but I don’t anticipate it being anywhere near as large as Jane’s.

He’s quite an active little guy and I keep saying that he is going to throw me for a loop.  Jane is a really docile little girl who loves to read and play quietly, but I don’t see that pattern continuing with baby number two.  In fact, I had to smile this morning when a stranger complimented Jane on her good behavior in a store and said she hoped it continued with the next one.  While I’m sure that he’ll be a delight and a joy, I’m expecting my son and daughter to be as different as night and day, and for each of them to offer their own parenting challenges.

My varicose veins came back with a vengeance pretty early in the pregnancy, and hypotension and hypoglycemia just made them worse.  Thankfully, my blood pressure has gotten better so my legs don’t hurt most days, I’m just careful to wear my support hose.  The stretch marks came a lot earlier this pregnancy, though, so I’m trying to be really diligent about applying lotion to my abdomen to help keep the skin supple.

Jane and Andrew were sick last week; poor Jane had a fever from Wednesday to Sunday and is still not fully herself.  Amazingly, she slept pretty well for the most part, so at least we were all well rested.  Until now.  When I’m sick.  We had weaned Jane of sleeping in our bed, but the last few nights I’ve been bringing her in because I just cannot sleep comfortably in the recliner in her room, and she’s having such a difficult time with nasal congestion at night that she really needs us near her, so bedsharing quickly became our only option.  And between her being sick and now me, we’ve been watching a lot of TV which isn’t something I’m very happy about, but it’s the only thing that allows me to rest during the day, so I’m learning to accept it.  We’re just going to have to work on breaking some less than ideal habits once I’m feeling better.

All in all, life has been good lately.  I’m trying to really enjoy having only one child and all of the free time that affords me before our little guy comes along and I’m a hopeless wreck again for an indeterminate period of time.  When I think about his birth, there are many different emotions than what I anticipated with Jane.  With Jane, I think I was more confident and excited.  This time, while I am excited, I also remember just how hard it was to care for a newborn and how overwhelming everything is.  But then I remember, not only will I have a newborn, I will also have a toddler!  And it is for that and many other reasons that I am thankful that we have family nearby!

{18 Months}

Oh, our sweet Jane is now one and a half!  Where has the time gone?  She continues her journey toward independence; she likes to try to put on her own socks, pants, and shoes.  She’s becoming a bit more of a picky eater, preferring mostly fruit and carbs.  She does love corn and peas, so at least she is getting some vegetables!

When I ask her where her baby brother is, she will usually point to my belly, but then will point to her own!  But she will also give my belly a hug and kiss when I ask her to give kisses and cuddles to brother.  It’s so cute!  And I make sure to tell her that her brother loves her, too.  I held an eight-month-old at a birthday party a few weeks ago and Jane wasn’t jealous at all!  In fact, she just wanted to give the sweet baby lots of hugs and kisses; it was so precious!

Height: 31.5 inches (50th %-ile)

Weight: 23 pounds, 10 ounces (between 25th & 50th %-iles)

Shoe size: Her feet are too, umm, pudgy for most size 4s, but too short for size 5.  Such an awkward fitting stage!

Diaper size: 4

Clothing: Her 18 month shirts fit fine, but otherwise she fits better in 24 month clothing.  I still keep a lot of the 18 month outfits around, though, because she has some warmer clothes in that size.

Don’t touch the Christmas tree??

Sleep: Jane is sleeping in her crib full-time now, although she still wakes a few times at night.  She has slept through the night once or twice, but her sleep patterns tend to be unpredictable.  Andrew and I often fall asleep on the floor or in the recliner in her room in the middle of the night.  She has been waking around 6:30 in the morning and going to bed between 6:30 and 7:30 at night, depending on the timing of her nap.  I’ve gotten to be a pro at moving her (huge) convertible car seat out of the car and into the house without waking her, thereby getting her some much needed sleep and mommy a much needed break when Jane falls asleep in the car.

Jane loves being outside

Milestones: Jane’s vocabulary continues to grow, and this month she started signing apple and banana.  She is also finally saying momma!  And now she won’t stop saying it 😉

Just after Thanksgiving, Jane caught her first real illness, roseola.  It was a pretty mild case, but it did leave her pretty cranky for a week.  Her bottom two incisors also came in this month.

Jane wasn’t too excited about meeting the Clauses.

As an anniversary/Christmas gift, my parents gave us some tickets to Disney, and on Jane’s 18-month-birthday, we went to EPCOT where she met Santa and saw Candlelight.  It was a fun, but very exhausting day.