Insecure: subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured; not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious.
I don’t like to think of myself as an insecure person; the word brings to mind someone who is weak and unskilled, needy, immature, conniving and mean. The fact of the matter though, is that “insecure” is a word that can often be used to describe me (the dictionary definition… hopefully not with the behaviors I listed). And I hate it.
I don’t know why I am this way; I grew up in a loving, secure home. All of my needs were met, both physical and emotional, but somehow I still grew up into a person who is not secure at all in the person she is. And my insecurities can be exploited in only a matter of seconds, with a single word or glance, my self confidence can be shattered.
I think that I’m more of a people pleaser than I would care to admit and I really don’t like confrontation. Some of you may be thinking “What the heck?! You’re afraid of confrontation? But you’re so vocal about your opinions!” And my answer to that is, yes, but I am only outspoken when I feel secure.
For instance, I was in a meeting today with my boss and nurses in all stages of their careers, and I was the one running the meeting. When more seasoned nurses have something to say, I always feel like I need to defer to them because they are automatically the authority, even though I may have input that I know is of value and may or may not contradict what they have to say. The same is true of yesterday when I allowed myself to be made to feel like an ant in the presence of a giant regarding something work related by someone who has worked in the field longer than I’ve been alive.
Maybe I have authority issues. But regardless, I have a lot of insecurities, and not just about work. I am insecure about the way I run my home, the kind of wife I am, the kind of mother I will one day be, the kind of Christian I am, the way I dress, etc., etc. Basically, I am insecure about life. And I don’t like to admit it. And I don’t know how to fix it. I know that I should rest in the love of Christ, because I can always be assured of His love, but that doesn’t necessarily help me feel more secure about how clean (or not) my house is, or the knowledge and skills I have/need for work. Insecurity sucks.